Feeling sad but I want to feel happy.

The surgery is over.  I did it.  I made it through.  Jeff was and is awesome.  I love that man so much.  But all I want to do is cry.

I feel broken.  But I've always felt broken.  I know that I am not alone, but right now I just want to fast forward a year and see where it takes us.

I've decided I'm ready to adopt.  It's okay if we can't get pregnant, but I just want a child that is ours. Our child doesn't have to be biological.  We are ready to be parents and I feel like not being a parent is holding me back from the rest of my life.  I am tired of hearing myself think, and talk, and whine, and focus only on myself and what is not happening.

I'd like to move on.  I just don't know how to do that without letting the next stage move us there.  How else can I move ahead?  I'm trying to figure that out.

In the meantime, I want to rest, and smile and appreciate the rest of my body.  My brain.  My heart.  My lungs.  All of these things are my life, not just my tired, tender reproductive organs.  They have been through a lot, but they are recovering now.  I hope that right sided pain stops hurting soon.  It makes me worried.  Everything else feels good.

So today I will enjoy my mom, sit and watch a movie, stretch my upper body a little, and rest some more.  It will be a good day, an important day.  A day for myself, for my spirit, for my heart.  I want to be thankful.

Smile, even if you don't feel it.  Eventually it will stick.

It's okay.

Today it is not fertility stuff making me stressed, but work.  I have to remember that I cannot be the perfect teacher all the time.  My priorities are being kind, fair, calm, and explaining things well, and I cannot also be the perfect grader, communicator or "reminder" at the same time.  I do my very best to do what is right 99% of the time.  It is true that I make mistakes, and it is true that sometimes I slack.  This is not an excuse, but it does happen and I have to allow myself these errors at times.

When errors do occur and parents or students get concerned about grades, etc., I want to remind myself of all the good I really do try to do.  And not worry that this error is a sign that I am not good at what I do the other 99% of the time.  I can explain my side, be fair and considerate, and move forward.  I am not guilty of everything that is wrong in every situation.  Sometimes I may be partially to blame, but this doesn't mean I am horrible.  It only means I have to remember to try to do better next time.  It's a learning experience, a chance to improve at something.

I want to forgive myself for not being perfect at my job.  I have forgiven myself for not being the perfect wife or friend--somehow that seems easier to accept.  I know that my students deserve a great deal and I try to provide that for them.  But I am human and most errors are not worth replaying in my head over and over.  I can choose to do something else with that energy.  The lesson has been learned.  Next time, I will do my best to communicate better.

Breathe, smile, remember--you are very good at what you do.

Sitting up straight again.

Infertility is something saved for special people.  It's not for the weak of heart, the impatient, or the self-absorbed.  Of course, we all have moments where these behaviors and tendencies surface; but we are some strong, tough, enlightened people.  I am usually too self-critical to talk about myself in such high regards, but last night I proved all of these things to myself.

Last night was a difficult night with friends.  Today it has left me completely drained.  I remained quiet about the biggest thing that is going on in my life to avoid the rain that would fall on my friend's pregnancy parade. And it was quite the parade.  I wanted her to enjoy the attention and I gave no clues that she was making me want to crawl under a rock.  No good would come of her feeling sorry for me on a night where she was so clearly happy.

I don't regret my quiet; it wasn't the right time to talk about our list of infertility issues.  It was a night of celebration and I didn't want anyone to dampen the party, especially me.  But today I need to find the resolve to be hopeful and positive again after feeling like I have been trampled by the only one in the room who knew my story.


So, I will sit here until I can muster up a list of all the things that make my life wonderful, just to pull my deflated prana up into my chest and restore my breathing:

• My husband.  He loves unconditionally, and I am reminded of this often.  He is patient, and loving, and supportive, and real.  He never fakes anything.
• My students.  I am very grateful to have a kind, entertaining group of students this year that support me throughout my day without even knowing it.  Children have more power than we give them credit for.
• My sister.  I haven't always feel like my sister understands me, but lately I feel like she wants to, and she is doing this because she knows I need it.  Instead of shying away from all the stuff we are going through, she is asking questions.  And she's doing this all eight months pregnant.  She has renewed my faith in the importance of family.
• My friends.  It's been a lesson for me throughout all this, who I can talk to and who I cannot.  I am grateful for the friends that try to put themselves out of their own lives so they can join me at difficult times in my own.  And this is the friend I want to be for others.  I am grateful for these role models.  

I am grateful for all these special people in my life and I must remember they have their own struggles.  They need support, patience, understanding, and unconditional love just as much as I do.  I will honor them and appreciate them every day and give them the respect they deserve, for they are my strength and I could not continue on this journey without them.

Meditations on Strength.

I'm starting to think that at the very least, this infertility journey has brought me a new level of empathy that I never had before. I try to remind myself of this every time someone says something that is insensitive. They don't know any better, I tell myself. Just like I didn't know any better before it happened to us. 

Some part of me wants to list the insensitivities so I can purge them from my head, but it would only fuel the fire of my irritation. And that's just not what I need today. 

Today I need strength. I need the strength to go forward, to look forward, to think positive. To smile and calmly educate when someone says something I find ignorant. To resist the urge to lose my cool when my husband doesn't do exactly what I want him to do. To laugh and squeal when my best friend tells me her baby-to-be is a girl, just like she hoped. 

This is our journey. This is our life. I have to make it what I can. For me. For us. 

Today, I want to make it positive. I want it to be for....something.