Feeling sad but I want to feel happy.

The surgery is over.  I did it.  I made it through.  Jeff was and is awesome.  I love that man so much.  But all I want to do is cry.

I feel broken.  But I've always felt broken.  I know that I am not alone, but right now I just want to fast forward a year and see where it takes us.

I've decided I'm ready to adopt.  It's okay if we can't get pregnant, but I just want a child that is ours. Our child doesn't have to be biological.  We are ready to be parents and I feel like not being a parent is holding me back from the rest of my life.  I am tired of hearing myself think, and talk, and whine, and focus only on myself and what is not happening.

I'd like to move on.  I just don't know how to do that without letting the next stage move us there.  How else can I move ahead?  I'm trying to figure that out.

In the meantime, I want to rest, and smile and appreciate the rest of my body.  My brain.  My heart.  My lungs.  All of these things are my life, not just my tired, tender reproductive organs.  They have been through a lot, but they are recovering now.  I hope that right sided pain stops hurting soon.  It makes me worried.  Everything else feels good.

So today I will enjoy my mom, sit and watch a movie, stretch my upper body a little, and rest some more.  It will be a good day, an important day.  A day for myself, for my spirit, for my heart.  I want to be thankful.

Smile, even if you don't feel it.  Eventually it will stick.